Googled Wisdom


There is a Real Estate Agent near my home that I have to walk past everyday and I hate them. I’m sure this is no surprise to anyone. It is safe bet to hate Real Estate Agents. They are a soulless evil money-grubbing profession who have served me nothing other than frustration and annoyance in my life. Every day they insist on putting a new motivational saying on the sandwich board outside their office. Every time I walk past I have the overwhelming urge to kick it down. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Is it because the quotes themselves are so old, tired and lame? Freshly googled by some blonde 18 year old receptionist whose experience of life extends to playboy seat covers and the best brand of hair straightener.


“There is no such thing as failure. Just early attempts at success.”
This is a lie. I am certain that my attempt at a home Brazilian wax was nothing but pure unadulterated failure. It seemed like an incredibly clever and thrifty idea to begin with but after I glued my lady-parts to the bathroom floor with hot wax it began to seem not so great after all. There was nothing about this experience that led me anywhere near success.

“Complaing is a devastating disease” (I assume they mean complaining).

No fucknut AIDS is devastating disease. Illiteracy while not a disease is also devastating. Particularly when it makes your clients realise they have put their million dollar properties in the hands of utter morons. Complaining on the other hand is a natural reaction to being wronged. When you raise my rent $50 a week in one hit with a weeks’ notice it is my god given right to complain. Are we meant to just eat the fly in our soup and say ‘Thank you Sir may I have another?” There are many, many circumstances where it is completely legitimate, nay essential, to complain.
 
“Doing less than you can is the beginning of erosion”.

I’m pretty sure I could eat two pizzas if I applied myself. By choosing to eat only half am I setting myself up for some sort of downward spiral? Why do we always have to push ourselves? Sure there are times when you should strive to achieve but I am a great believer that there are also times when sitting on your arse eating chip crumbs off your chest is equally as good for the soul. Also unless my geography teacher lied to me I am pretty sure erosion is caused by wind and loose soil, not by underachievement.


One day I will kick it down. One day I will have one of those days where everything goes wrong and I hate the world and Grand Master Flash’s “don’t ..push..me..cause..I’m..close..to..the..edge” will be swirling around in my head and I will come across a sign telling me that ‘happiness is where I find it but rarely where I seek it’ and I will kick that motherfucker down.

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