Anti-Panda Propaganda

My mate Ray loves to rant. In fact he is the king of rants. I learnt long ago not to try and argue with him or stem the rant in any way as this usually results in partial deafness, a light sprinkling of saliva on my face and a very long night. Nowadays I just smile and nod and let him burn himself out. He slowly becomes less and less animated until he grinds to a halt like an angry little wind-up toy.
He mostly rants about the usual things: speed cameras, politics, the fact that everyone is stupid except him. However I couldn’t help but be taken aback at the target of his latest rant. Ray hates Pandas.
What kind of demented individual could hate a panda? I hear you cry. What else does he hate? Puppies? Babies? Scone-wielding nannas? I have to admit though, after half an hour of ranting, I began to think the man had a point.


(Disclaimer to any panda experts out there I have not fact-checked Ray’s rant and welcome any feedback relating to incorrect pandaganda)
Ray: “Pandas are omnivores, they could live on pretty much anything but what do they choose to eat? Bam-fucking-boo. The least nutritious food source on the planet. Only slightly more nutritious than hair. So they have to eat tons and tons of it. But not just any piece of bamboo it has to be the baby shoots. So they completely desecrate their own food source before it can even grow. AND they can’t even fuck. They’re randy like three days a year. Useless fucks. Fuck saving pandas, they should go extinct. Fuck Pandas!”


I was naturally taken aback by this initially but it got me thinking. What do pandas have going for them except their looks? Perhaps Ray is the one person that is not totally superficial when it comes to animals.
Maybe some animals are meant to go extinct. Maybe some of them just don’t have the evolutionary goods to carry them through the 21st century and beyond. If we judged humans by the same criteria as we judge animals we would call it being superficial. You never hear anyone say “you know what, I really admire that ant’s ability to carry an object ten times its body weight.” I have never seen an annoying cutesy badly spelled slogan on a poster of a cockroach.





The cockroach is an amazing creature! They thrive in all conditions, can go a month without food, can live a week without a head and the females can even reproduce without a male. Go team cockroach! From an evolutionary and survival perspective the cockroach is a far superior animal to the panda.
When there are so many animals going extinct it’s not fair that some animals get all the publicity just because they’re good looking. Imagine the uproar if we adjusted cancer treatment waiting lists to give preference to the attractive people!
We all know about orang-utans, pandas and tigers but did you know the spotted newt is endangered? No you didn’t… because the spotted newt is about as attractive as Bert Newton.



Okay so I am never going to be able to hate a Panda. They are fucking cute. And of course we should save them. But next time you come across an animal you don’t care for try looking beyond the surface and giving it some props for something other than its looks. Let’s hear it for the hagfish for being able to tie themselves in a knot. Big ups to my man mole for being able to dig 300 feet in a night. Kudos to turkeys for being able to run 40 kph. Respect to ugly animals everywhere!


***Names have been changed to protect privacy***

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